It all makes sense to me now

I was in a mood last night. I could have spent the entire night writing thoughts down and just listening to good mellow music.  There was a particular quote in Eat, Pray, Love that just got me. That made everything about my past make sense. That made me remember, despite the angst and hurt feelings between the ex and I over the past three years, that it wasn’t all for nothing as he has previously accused. Granted we’ve spoken once in the past six months, maybe twice but…he was, at least as I thought at the time, my soul mate. But I wondered, as boyfriend and I began our relationship if that was the case. There was a quote in the book that made it all click and put that whole relationship in perspective and everything about the words I once spoke made sense to me…

“People think a soul-mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything thats holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave.”

Reading that on the metro while listening to “Day too Soon” by Sia choked me up in a way that I hadn’t gotten choked up in a while. I’ve had no reason to. Things are good in my life but those words just brought back old arguments, old fights, and words that once pierced my heart and shattered it into a million pieces. I don’t know why I thought about it all, after all those are just words but sometimes I think certain things come into our life to serve as reflection. This song hit me in a way a song hasn’t in a long time. Not in a bad way but because it…vividly described me and my tendencies. These words, these beautiful written words. They were my reflection, but I don’t know why, why why why I won’t let myself just…let go. Let go of the past. A part of me is deathly afraid to. I haven’t let go of anything in my life really, I don’t let go of people even crappy ones who don’t deserve to be in my life. I don’t let go of memories - not even memories of my childhood. I can still remember the chill of the summer night air the day that I found out my parents were getting divorced as my father sat outside under my window dividing up our lives on a pad of yellow paper. Why don’t I let go? Well…
I firmly believe that events in our lives shape us. Therefore, why should we let go of them? Why should we let go of people who shape our lives, who have such a profound impact on us that thinking of them and that impact can break us down even if they’re not in our lives anymore. It serves as a reminder of our roots. Where we come from, what we’ve gone through.

I can’t say that the ex and I’s relationship was all bad. It wasn’t. We started out as friends, meeting through my best friend freshman year who happened to be his roommate. It started through random nights having dinner, IM conversations in the early day when he was cooping in Singapore. A giant hug the first time we saw each other when he got back and lived with another friend of ours. Dinners. Drinks. Days spent outside sharing starbucks and laughs and reflecting on life and it’s disasters. We shared similar experiences in our parent’s divorces, and reflected a lot on that. He always encouraged me to speak up to my father and share how I felt. He always encouraged me to take charge of my emotions, to be stronger than them rather than letting them break me down. Instead, he took advantage of my vulnerability. I was so easily taken advantage of - by him, by friends, but it also goes the other way around. I jerked him around. I was indecisive. I was scared to commit. Something never felt right. He knew me too well. He knew my inner workings, the way my mind worked.  He knew my weaknesses, my faults, my strengths - I guess that’s what happens when you spend so much time with one person over the course of five years. He ripped my heart out, threw it back at me. I did the same to him. We said words that stung so bad no amount of “I’m sorry’s” could ever take away the pain. I still remember the hate and anger in his voice on that cold December night [I won't get into the details]. I’ll never forget that night. People asked why I forgave him but…really…at the time, I wasn’t an angel. As hurt as I was, he tried forgiving me for my wrongdoings, but no matter how much I told people I forgave him, I never did. I held onto the pain. I held onto the hurt I felt over Christmas break, I hung it over his head for the next five months. Even before boyfriend and I began dating when the ex and I started talking again, I held it over him. I could never…let it go.

But really - when Elizabeth Gilbert writes about how soul mates make you grow? Well, this is true. I called the ex my soul mate. After our messy final break up in May 2006, I wondered if those words had truth. I wondered if I lied to him, and to myself. He accused me of lying all along and not ever loving him. But after reading those words, I think back and I realize they were true. He was one. But, I also don’t believe that you have one soul mate. I wouldn’t call boyfriend my soul mate, not with that description, but rather,I would call him my match. The one that I’m supposed to be with. The one who compliments me because we’re so different. The one who understands me and my needs often without me having to explain them. I firmly believe that you’re supposed to be different from the one you’re meant to be with. After all, God has a plan for all of us right?

He was supposed to break me down. He was supposed to make me grow. To understand my emotions, and where they stemmed from. He was supposed to create such an angst in me, because I learned from him. I learned to stand up for myself. I learned to take care of myself because ultimately, when everyone else is gone, when you push everyone else away so you can make it work and then abruptly decide you want something else of your life, you want more. You feel that you deserve more, when you break down and tell them, it’s not going to be pretty and you’re going to feel more alone than ever.

My solution was easy, and apparently his was too. We both ran away. I ran from my past - in Boston and in Vermont. I ran away from the family I felt was holding me back to my future. If it hadn’t been for him and those words, and those fights, and the strength I gained from him, I’d never be here today. He did just what Elizabeth Gilbert wrote that a soul mate should do…he broke down my walls and shook me awake. Which is something, that at the time, I needed more than anything.

Maybe I was right all along, after all, everything happens for a reason right?

Anyhow, I don’t write much about the ex, because I have no need to. He’s not a factor in my life anymore but those words were just…too powerful to not reflect on. To not share with the world. Because really? Think about it…just…think about it. It makes sense doesn’t it?